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In simple times, I only searched for my other shoe or a lost lover. Complications have now arisen.

Having been a good girl all year, while earnestly trying to reverse that reputation, my generous family bought me an iPhone 4S for Siri or "Sadist."

Siri is called a “virtual assistant,” meaning she is purported to be my own personal secretary, living conveniently in my phone thus saving me paying employee salaries, insurance and wasteful soy frappucino espresso — hold the mustard — coffee breaks.

She is driving me  ... virtually nuts! The instructions state to speak a request as I would to a regular secretary and she would assist me. I am simply to ask her to find something or give her a reminder to remind me. We have now had horrendous arguments with lots of cursing, some of it coming from me, too.

Siri has a tone of superiority and is judgmental. When I asked her to “please ( I always say please and thank you) find me a Thai restaurant nearby,” she yelled, “I have no contact for your thighs and besides, we just met, so I think you are being too forward in asking me such things, as a matter of fact, you disgust me!”

So for the fourth time I reiterate that it is a restaurant that I am actually seeking she asks, “What kind of restaurant.” I reply, “Thai.” She asks, "Is that a tie for a shoe or a tie for a shirt?" "THAI FOR FOOD!" She says, “I do not see that in your contact list. Is there anything else I can help you with?” After twenty minutes of this banter I change my plea to a search for the nearest bar. She wants to know if I wish to attend a Bar named Mitzvah. I fib and say, “Confirm” because hopefully they serve drinks there.

We have now started couple’s therapy.

My buddy thinks she is so great in making, breaking and lying about his appointments, that he has asked her to marry him. She replied, “We hardly know one another. I don't see me in your contacts. I am currently seeing a few million others. Let’s just be friends.” Then she bad-mouthed me.

Another daily challenge is my attempt to locate this smart phone at least twice a day, since another one of Siri’s actual tasks is to play “hide and seek.” When at a public venue or in a meeting, I keep the phone on vibrate, so I am not rude to others. I know, I know. I am a good girl. However, when I return home, I occasionally forget to turn the ringer back on.

Suddenly I hear a buzz which could be a bee or the aftermath of that Bar Mitzvah. I then figure out it is Siri or a caller. The challenge is that in my home there are so many things that vibrate, I frankly do not know where to look for the phone.

So this is my suggestion for the next Apple genius: Design a mini-mini GPS tracking gizmo which I can place next to my skate key and wear as a necklace.

When the gadget goes missing, a small voice will tell me to “look under the couch or check the icebox.” Brilliant people have designed incredible devices to make life easier (except for that witch Siri), so why not help out those of us who often misplace things?

If you have a better solution for searching, please call my cell phone, but do not speak to Siri, as she is a lying dog!

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©2012 Jan Marshall. All rights reservedUnauthorized use is strictly prohibited 
 
Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall is an author, humor columnist, certified clinical hypnotherapist and motivational speaker.

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