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All families have conflict. We love, we hate, we eat and we get heartburn. So it is with my Mac and PC. I own both and there is quite a rivalry that includes swearing and swords fights. I am often the referee.

My computers in particular, refuse to play nice. I loved them both as I do all my children. Mac was my firstborn so perhaps I did favor him — maybe it’s the Apple cheeks, but I'll deny this in any court. (Though, between you and me, our little Palm wasn't planned but that is another story I'd rather you keep quiet about since I am not even sure who the baby daddy is or where the Palm currently lives.)

Nevertheless, as the purported adult here, my job was to keep my computers compatible. We had started family therapy with the Gates/Apple/Dell.com/MentalNutCase unit. Since they even refuse to speak with one another, what hope was there for my two. The last therapist stuffed a hard drive in her ear and has taken to heavy drinking.

My fear is if they can't get along, what chance for resolution is there for (1440 dpi printer) or for the Middle East. Okay, I am going to tell you the truth. I did love my Mac more than life itself. It was so easy to use. Yes, it was a favorite child and when I tell you why I even own a PC you'd be astonished.

It started on one dark and stormy night while I watched a shopping channel. All I know is they featured this cute little H.P. PC. Should have said N.O. To sweeten the pot, it came with kitchen appliances, a built in swimming pool and a closet organizer who would live with me. The best part: it was free! I only had to pay for shipping, for which I took out a bank loan.

It worked for a few years. Then, after a while, it bombed as the Mac had, and it was necessary to purchase a new machine.

Since that fateful day, I continually consider either jumping out the window or throwing out the Window (7).

I have a hate/hate relationship attempting to learn this new Word program. I had Microsoft Word 2003 and that was fine all of these years.

Now I am in a forced relationship. This new computer was already installed with Microsoft Word 2007. It is like a foreign language and the simplest task takes me a week. By the time I figured how to type and edit a simple congratulations note to a pair of newlyweds, they had split and were arguing over custody of their kids and their own computers.

Just as I love most vintage things including my current fella, I also love new technology.

My fickleness has surfaced again. Everyone in my circle has an iPad (I am so jealous I have turned green — green is good now-a-days) and of course I covet the newest Mac which is so simple it has an all-infant tech line giving instruction, plus it actually irons shirts, too.

But now my documents and forthcoming satirical survival book ("Dancin Shmancin with the Scars") is on the PC and I do not have the dough to buy a pickle, no less an apple.

Perhaps I shall return to my old Royal Typewriter which I actually made into a lamp and is now sitting in my living room!

Does anyone happen to have any old black ribbon in their junk drawer? And candles. I have a publishing deadline.

Here is an update. I received a gift of an iPad. I am so in love with it. It is almost better than, well, you know, that thing we used to have a cigarette after. If Siri and I can work the phone thing out amicably, I will purchase an iMac so we can be a united family once more. I need a favor. Would some heroic person out there please break it to the PC for me? Thank you.

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©2012 Jan Marshall. All rights reservedUnauthorized use is strictly prohibited 
Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall is an author, humor columnist, certified clinical hypnotherapist and motivational speaker.

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